Dr. Doug offers tips on how you can help your kids solve their own problems. It’ll make your life easier, and it will build resiliency and problem-solving skills in your kids.
HI PARENTS. I'M DR. DOUG, I'M A FATHEROF FOUR AND A LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST HELPING PARENTS BE BETTER LEADERSFOR THEIR KIDS. WOULD YOU HAVE MORE ENERGY AT THE END OF EACH DAY IFYOU WEREN'T GETTING PULLED INTO EVERY PROBLEM YOUR KIDS ENCOUNTERED?WOULD YOU FEEL PRETTY FORTUNATE IF YOU FOUND A SKILL THAT ALLOWED YOUTO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF WHILE HELPING YOUR KIDS DEVELOPPERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS THE NEXTTIME ONE OF YOUR KIDS TOSSES YOU A PROBLEM? EXPERIMENT WITH LOVE ANDLOGIC, FIVE STEPS TO PROBLEM SOLVING. IT GOES LIKE THIS. YOUR KIDCOMES TO YOU WITH A PROBLEM. STEP ONE, PROVIDE A STRONG AND SINCEREDOSE OF EMPATHY. WHEN YOU HEAR 'HE'S MESSING WITH MY STUFF,' OR 'THISPROJECT IS DUE TOMORROW,' OR 'MY COACH WON'T LISTEN.' I CAN'T FIND MYWHATEVER. RESIST THE URGE TO WHIP OUT THE DUCT TAPE WITH A QUICK FIXSOLUTION.
INSTEAD, DELIVER A GRAND DOSE OF EMPATHY. THISMIGHT SOUND LIKE, 'OH MAN, THAT'S GOTTA BE HARD' OR 'DANG. I BETTHAT'S FRUSTRATING' OR 'THAT'S SO SAD.' REMEMBER EMPATHY OPENS THEMIND TO THINKING AND PROBLEM-SOLVING. STEP TWO, LOVINGLY HAND THEPROBLEM BACK. EXPERIMENT WITH ASKING, 'WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOINGTO DO NOW?' DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY STARE AT YOU WITH A BLANK LOOKON THEIR FACE AND SAY, 'I DON'T KNOW.' NOW, STEP THREE, GETPERMISSION BEFORE SHARING IDEAS. THE ODDS OF SUCCESS GO WAY UP. WHENWE ASK, 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT SOME OTHER KIDS HAVE TRIEDBEFORE?' GIVING SUGGESTIONS, NOTICE THE WORDING HERE. WHEN WE TELLKIDS WHAT THEY SHOULD DO OR WHAT THEY COULD DO OR WHAT WE THINK THEYSHOULD DO, WE AUTOMATICALLY INCREASE RESISTANCE. BUT WHEN WE SAY WHATSOME OTHER KIDS HAVE TRIED, WE REDUCE RESISTANCE-WISE.
PARENTSWILL PREPARE THEMSELVES FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF HEARING. 'NO, I DON'TWANT TO HEAR WHAT OTHER KIDS HAVE TRIED.' AND WHEN THIS HAPPENS, THENSIMPLY REPLY, 'NO PROBLEM. LET ME KNOW IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, AND IHOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU,' AND THEN WALK AWAY. THE EFFECTIVENESS OFTHIS APPROACH DOESN'T DEPEND ON OUR KIDS LISTENING INTENTLY TO OURINCREDIBLE WISDOM. IT HINGES ON OUR ABILITY TO EMPATHETICALLY HANDTHE PROBLEM BACK AND EXPRESS OUR LOVING DESIRE TO HELP THEM EXPLORESOME OPTIONS. NOW, STEP FOUR, PROVIDE A BRIEF MENU OF IDEAS AND HELPTHEM EVALUATE EACH. WHEN OUR KIDS ARE INTERESTED IN HEARING WHAT SOMEOTHER KIDS HAVE TRIED, WE HAVE THE GREEN LIGHT TO USE THE FOLLOWINGLANGUAGE. 'SOME KIDS DECIDE TO TRY THIS OPTION. HOW WOULD THAT WORKFOR YOU?' NOW WE CUT DOWN ON THE RESISTANCE BY SAYING WHAT SOME KIDSDECIDE 'TO BLANK' AND WE HELP THEM EVALUATE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES BYASKING, 'HOW WOULD THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?'
NOW, DON'T FALLINTO THE TRAP OF THINKING THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE A LARGE LIST OFBRILLIANT SOLUTIONS. JUST JUST ONE OR TWO MEDIOCRE ONES WILL BE FINE.NOW THE SUCCESS OF THIS STEP DOESN'T REST ON WHETHER OUR IDEAS AREAWESOME. IT SIMPLY RESTS ON US, PROMPTING THEM TO BEGIN THINKINGABOUT POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS AND THEIR LIKELY CONSEQUENCES. NOW STEPFIVE, ALLOW THEM TO LEARN SOLVING OR NOT SOLVING THE PROBLEM AFTERSHARING SOME IDEAS. AND BY SAYING, I LOVE YOU. IF ANY KID CAN SOLVETHIS PROBLEM, YOU CAN. SO LET ME KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT, RESIST THEURGE TO TELL YOUR KIDS WHICH SOLUTION TO TRY. WHEN WE MAKE THISMISTAKE, WE STEAL LEARNING. WHEN THE IDEA THEY CHOOSE FAILS, AND WEALSO STEAL LEARNING AND SELF-ESTEEM. WHEN THE IDEA THEY CHOOSESUCCEEDS, INSTEAD, WE GIVE THEM THE FULL GIFT OF PROBLEM SOLVING BYALLOWING THEM TO CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES.
PARENTS WHO APPLYTHESE FIVE STEPS SOON FIND OUT THAT THEY HAVE LESS STRESS AND MORERESILIENT, RESPONSIBLE KIDS. THEY ALSO DISCOVER THAT THESE STEPS WORKPRETTY WELL WITH ADULTS TOO. SO LET'S REVIEW: YOUR KID COMES TO YOUWITH A PROBLEM. STEP ONE, PROVIDE A STRONG AND SINCERE DOSE OFEMPATHY. STEP TWO LOVINGLY HAND THE PROBLEM BACK TO THEM. STEP THREE,GET PERMISSION BEFORE SHARING IDEAS. STEP FOUR, PROVIDE A BRIEF MENUOF IDEAS AND HELP THEM EVALUATE HOW EACH WILL WORK FOR THEM. AND STEPFIVE, ALLOW THEM TO LEARN FROM SOLVING OR NOT SOLVING THE PROBLEM.PARENTS, WE CAN ALL BE BETTER LEADERS IN OUR HOMES AND BY NOT GETTINGPULLED INTO SOLVING EVERY PROBLEM OUR KIDS ENCOUNTER. WE CAN HAVEMORE ENERGY AND HAVE MORE FUN RAISING RESPECTFUL, RESPONSIBLE, ANDRESILIENT KIDS IN THIS CHALLENGING WORLD. I INVITE YOU TO SEND MEYOUR QUESTIONS TO ASK DR. DOUG@THELOCALNEWS.US AND I'LL ADDRESS THEMIN FUTURE EPISODES. PARENTS. I'M DR. DOUG. BE YOUR CHILD'S HERO.
